Anyone who knows me well, or has at least read any of my essays, knows that I am a vocabulary geek. I tell you this with both pride and humility, or maybe neither. It is a simple fact of who I am, and I doubt I could change it even if I wanted. From this simple passion, though, spawns one of my milder but most frequent disappointments. Before I can articulate this particular thorn, though, I must digress into story telling and hearsay in order to build the proper platform to preach from, not to mention the ambience inherent to the recounting of semi-factual historic recounting.
I am often let down by the total lack of inquisitiveness on the part of my friends and acquaintances. This disheartening feeling is closely tied to my paranoid suspicions of insincerity. I don’t understand the reason for an interrogative greeting when the person extending the pleasantry is not really interested in the answer he or she may receive. I may be mistaken, but I believe it was President Coolidge who once conducted his own social experiment at a White House dinner party by greeting everyone with an absurd phrase. As people filed past, one by one, shaking his hand and greeting him, he would say things like, “I like pineapples,” ”We fricasseed your dog for dinner,” or simply, “You aren’t listening to me are you?” All of this was met with nothing more than a smile, nod, and a fervent handshake. Anyone listening should have been outraged or confused or at least pointed out that dog tastes much better when prepared on a rotisserie with a peanut glaze. Not so much as an eyebrow was raised, nor an “Excuse me?” asked, as the Leader of the Free World greeted all of those people with words that should have raised serious doubts not only about his sanity but also his viability as the commander in chief of the most advanced military on earth. The guests did not ignore his idiosyncratic salutes out of awkward politeness, for there was never any mention of this in print or rumor until years later when he included it in his memoirs.
While Coolidge’s guests may have been overcome with anxiety about dining in the White House, or nervous about their appearance to the Head of State, I seriously doubt that anyone holds me in such a high bracket of esteem. That being realized, I must limit my sociological mêlée to the extremists who chose to inflate their mundane interpersonal communications beyond polite cordiality to insulting flatteries.
This brings us back to the matters at hand. Many acquaintances seem to prefer the interrogative greets “How you doin’?” or “Whatcha been up to?” or “How’s it goin’?” I am, for the most part, an honest and straightforward person. So, when I reply to the former with “Optimistically mediocre” or to the penultimate with “I’ve been contemplating the meaning of life, as interpreted through the concepts of universal expansion versus inverse infinities” or to the latter with simply “Entropy is winning” I don’t think it is too much to expect some sort of supplementary inquiry. Like Coolidge though, I am often met with nothing more than a nod or fake smile, not even a raised eyebrow or a “You’re weird”.
So in conclusion, there is no use in learning new vocabulary, philosophy, or anything else interesting since you can’t even share it with your friends at the pub. They are often much more concerned with pretending to care about your monotone recital of the miniscule daily triumphs and tragedies to make themselves look better. Unfortunately this is something I cannot accept. I refuse to give in to the “dumbening”. If discussion of celebrity gossip, town rumors, Cosmo quiz results, or foul jokes told in the crassest fashion are your “cup of tea” then I doubt that you will ever find yourself wanting. When you decide to culture your palette with the finer things in life, come find me so that we may laugh to the point of tears while debating topics such as the Aristotelian virtues of Homer Simpson, the creative genius of CS Lewis, the many similarities between Mahayana Buddhism, Wicca, and Catholicism, or even the most creative recipes for chicken salad. At the first indication of intelligent inquiry, you will find me with a smile, a joke and a place at my table saved just for you.
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