Not many people who know me these days would ever guess that I used to be shy. When I say that I was shy, I mean debilitatingly so. For a good portion of my life I had great anxiety when talking to almost anyone, and the majority of my conversations took place only in my head. I tell you this now only because I realize that I have changed. I fear that I have changed too much though, and that my outgoing and entertaining nature may be perceived as arrogance. While I have some good friends who insist that this is not the case, I have caught myself more and more saying things that I wish I could take back almost immediately. I think I have gone from being too scared to say anything, to not caring enough about what silly words may fall out of my head. While I certainly only intend for my silliness to entertain, I am beginning to think that I don't put enough thought into it for others to see my sarcasm. Sometimes even when I have taken a moment to plan what I will say I still end up blurting out something wholly unnecessary.
So I am going to make the conscious effort to say as little as possible. This is not a vow of silence, so much as a promise to speak only when neccesary, or when I have something nice to say. I wonder if friends will notice. I wonder if friends will care. I wonder, most of all, how this will change me and if it will resolve certain issues I have with my life right now. In Buddhism this would be an exercise in "Right Speech" which is very good in the path toward enlightenment. I suppose, in the end, all I would like is a little more enlightenment.
An old proverb says "The wise man speaks because he has something to say. The fool speaks because he has to say something" I have been a fool long enough.
